strange fears...

its that time of the year again which i dont like,there is no in-built mechanism coz of which i hate it,but there is something which gives me a weird feeling bout it, a feeling of misery,darkness,gloom,and an imagery of those flithy lanes from the memory which i prefer not walking again.

i had just woke up at 7 in the evening after a short afternoon nap and the first thing which i noticed was the sullen grey skies.its not that i hate rain,i kinda like it and there is hardly an oppurtunity when i miss getting drenched into it.but there is ought to be something that make me feel so uneasy.

i dont know why or since when i have started associating these grey water vapour masses with gloom and lugubriousness,i just remember that one such day probably 11 years ago i just dont know what happened i woke up from my afternoon sleep saw this greyish darkness all around,but there was something missing in that room, i looked all around the house,couldnt find that familiar face,i was teary i went out of the house,now we had this mediocre size typical indian garden at the back of our house,i thought she might be there i rushed out,saw her picking up clothes from the clothesline,i ran and threw my arms around her and began to cry.i dont know wat happened but for a moment i felt i had lost ma.

six years later ma left me and moved on,making my father a widower and me a motherless child.the very reason for the fear was gone.

but the grey skies kept coming monsoon after monsoon,year after year, the intensity of the fear though has now become somewhat supple,but still i dont know why whenever i wake up from my sleep on such an evening i fear that if i go into the other room or in the backyard i wont find ma.........

here is this poem dedicated to her presence and absence

in the empty nights when the moon moves through the sky,
i see your face peeping at me from beside him,
as if smiling on me asking not to miss nor to cry,
i cant help it but i surely will try

the grey clouds were gone and they came back again
but you are gone never to return,leaving me in misery and in pain.
i wish i could have told you one last time,
that i love you so much oh mother of mine.

i hope from your heavenly lawns you see me everyday,
struggling and falling time to time with no strength to rise again..
there is darkness all around dats all i can see
and your absence has made pa feeble and weak,

he does not have the strength to pick me up and teach me to walk again
for he has lost more than he could have gained.

in your presence there would had been no grim no despair
mother dear,i wish you had always been there...............

but yes every cloud has a silver lining...and i hope i find it soon on one such evening behind one such dark cloud.....till then keep transforming doodles into words.


take care
love and light
divz,the last page doodler..