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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

the story of a not so common dog

heyya,have been writing this since the last two days,just couldn't yet write it well though,but still i have tried giving my here i am telling you about an dog with an superb personality,the story of a not so common dog.

kittu,he was born on the 15th of october in 2007 along with 6 of the other brothers and sisters.he was a lovely dog who walked in my life and changed the world around me.he has always been very lively very naughty,i still remember when i first brought him home he started barking at literally everything,the music player,the t.v. and even at the big cardboard boxes.

he grew up quite slow,i never wanted him to grow up,he looked even cuter when he was small,now he looks like a matured person looking at you in intervals as if telling you, you are supposed to do this now what are you doing here.he has been one responsible dog throughout his life,and i bet he has been the only dog to suffer so much of pain when he was just two months three weeks and 5 days old. i really don't have any idea how many dogs survive two operations in their hind legs when they are at that stage with numerous injections and medicines and the painful x-rays,that too cause of a mess created by me.

i don't know why i placed him on that tank that day,and why did he jump,that one jump has tarred me with guilt for the rest of my life.had it been some human instead of him as soon he would have got well would have harassed me,abused me,hit me or do something like that,but it was him this tiny little dog who fought for his survival with that excruciating pain taught me the most valuable lesson of my life,"to err is to human to forgive is to divine." as a result of that mistake of mine he still has problem walking with one of his hind legs but still there is no remorse in him against me no complain no accusation he still looks at me as if i mean the world to him.

i remember crying night after night praying to god,to get him well and still when he would see those tears he would try to stand up and come to me and wipe my tears off by licking them off my cheeks.

i left kolkata fo two years and went for my class matriculation studies and i took him with me to kanpur,i have been to places so many of them and i have always taken him along with me. i remember an incident when i took him along with me for a family vacation in madhya pradesh and he was there along side and we were taking an evening walk down the hill, when some wild dogs surrounded us, and they would just not let him or me go they surrounded him and growled and it seemed as if they would tear us apart but still he stayed there in between both my legs and growled as if he was ready to give a fight,i gathered strength and i hit the dogs with a stick but they just wont let us go,one of them bit my hands off but none could even touch him,he was there all the time there he could have run off but no he was there, all the time even when i had let go of the chain until a good soul passed by and helped us get rid of the dogs.

i just wish he could speak then we would have more of a two way communication rather than the periodic wagging of tails and the kisses. according to me if one wants to feel pampered wants to feel loved and wants to feel special he must get a dog.

love you kittu until i take my last breathe...

when i first saw you,
you were feeding on your mother's milk,
your small physique
your brown eyes,
shining in that furry black coat of yours
the little patch of white
as if the formation of a T
below your neck......
and then the way you ran towards the lawn
like a drunken man running and falling
i was utterly lost in your playful grace
while you ran around the lawn as if in a relay race.

i took you in my hand,
and yo made a growl,
i could feel your tiny heart beat,
while i held you in my palms.
i sat in the car i brought you home,
you explored the whole house,
below the bed,the kitchen,under the computer
as if it was a big world unknown.

i fed you with a spoon,
you were nothing more than three weeks old
a miniature black bear,
with a button like nose.
you ran after the cockroaches,
created chaos for those sweets,
i loved it when i woke up
you would come running on the bed
and lick my cheeks.

pa used to come home,
with vanilla ice creams
for you,
and you would keep looking at the scoops
until he would sit and feed you on the ground on the ground.
you would almost sit into my plate,
and drink water from my glass
and i would happily share it with you,
and then lie down together in the park.

you have grown with me year after year,
we both have become from boys to men,
i know how much i have troubled you,
how many times i have caused you pain.

i remember the day i first hit you,
and then i sat and started to cry,
and still you would come to me
and lick the tears of my eyes.

it was years before you walked in my life
when i was sad,cruel and miserable.
i had lost someone very dear to me
some one to whom i was most lovable.

but you walked in with your puffy paws
and change me from what i was
made me affectionate,made me love you
while you loved me with all your heart.
i never know what good deeds i had done
to get someone like you in my life
more than a friend you had been like a companion,
you have been the best
happened to me in life.

i hope to love you always the same,
and return every bit of love you have given me,
i want to thank you for the kisses and for the wisdom,
you have taught me
that love really has no end.

love and light.
only yours,
divz,the last page dooodler.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

dying humanity

i think its only me who is so confused with life,its ways and other things,i think its just reading too much of philosophy which has taken toll,it is tough to live with principles and it is even tougher to live on the expectation of the people,they expect you to be honest on the first place and secondly they don't want the truth to hurt them too,and its even stranger that when they do the same thing they don't expect us to be hurt nor to be bothered by it,i don't know of my other traits,but yes ignorance hurts me big time.

at times i think either i see life the way i shouldn't or there is something seriously wrong with people's attitude these days,now since people itself denotes majority therefore being in a democratic system its good to take the blame upon yourself if you are in the minority than opposing it because there are very few ears trying to listen,hence i think i don't know the way the life should really be led.

its difficult for an obstinate being like me to adapt,i am sorry people but i really can't it is not in my mechanism,its foreign for me,for i have not led a life where i can put up a mask,am not ambiguous,am not polite,am downright straight,downright difficult,i know its hard for people to accept someone who cannot be easily manipulated,its tough for them to accept the hard truth coming in harsh words but isn't that what truth supposed to do? then why when the people hear it react as if its an attempt to malign them them? why can't they accept what is wrong?

today humanity is nothing but a frail veil,a yashmak on the satanic mindset of their own to hide it from the world,all have put up a mask a second face,when meeting influential people its a different one,when meeting family its another one,when being amongst friends its again the man ever being true?does he ever listens to his conscious or has he been so ignorant that his own conscious has turn dumb and mute?

we have become materialistic leeches always concerned always bothered about the physical needs of life in such conditions where is humanity,its long dead.

it was dark and an empty road,
with forest patches on its side,
marked with product publicity boards and vinyls,
at times a car or two passed by,
with loud music and monstrous speed,
shameful giggles,ravish activities and women,
leaving silence and a distant trail of their backlight.

i was walking alone,
not homeward bound,
i thought of leaving what was called home,
all i found was selfish people around
manipulative relations and masked clones.
ambiguousness and infamy ran in their veins
treachery and betrayal in their eyes,
their life a sick excuse standing on a pile of lies.

while i strolled i saw a woman,
she looked wretched and in situations dire,
as if abused and oppressed,
beaten when she expressed her desire,
once she was beautiful one could say,
for her charm was visible even in her pain.
i approached her and asked her name.

"my name you want to know?" she asked.
with an ironical smile on her face,
the pain evident but the sarcasm more,
she said "i am the one maligned by your race."
"you people sell your dignity,
trade your principles for pleasure
dirty devilish scoundrels you all are,
causing pain at your leisure."

her voice choked she couldn't speak
and tears rolled down her eyes
the rage on her face evident,
agony in her sunken eyes.
i asked "tell me where you belong
what is your name who is your family?"
she replied "the one to whom i belong
has himself deserted me"
in a shaky voice she answered and silenced forever
she told her name was humanity.

love and light.
only yours,
divz,the last page doodler.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

wish life was like writing a poem

i don't know how many lines i have written and deleted before writing this,its hard to concentrate when you wake up in the morning with a heavy head thinking what went wrong,too many things are going on right now in my life,or i can say keeping my nature in mind the things or the changes are just too fast paced.i cant help it but sit and observe after all thats what i can do best,observe and try to flow with the flow.

i have been a very complex human being,i am not sure about my needs and priorities,i really don't know if i need to choose or not choose at all,i don't know if its just me or it is the same with everybody else,life is just too complicated for a slow paced human like me,i realize am too obstinate for anybody,am downright difficult, i don't know if it is good or bad,but i can't help it,i have been like this for years.

this life hurts me,it is nothing like i am suffering or in some kind of crisis,nothing as such i have a the most wonderful father in the whole world and a lovely brother and even more than adorable dog who loves me be it anything,am well fed well groomed and have everything a teenager needs but still things take toll over me.

i don't have any control of what i do,what i want to do and what i will do,at times i just feel like going to some far off place where nobody knows me,rather there be no human,no one to talk to i just want to sit and reflect by some water body,watch the currents of the water,see the skies reflection in it,see the sun setting in it, see my reflection in the water,write sentences on the wet soil and then erase it.

i wish life was like writing a poem
arranging phrases,
rhyming lines
carefully placing them
one after another.
striking of lines and writing them again
substituting it with proper words,
reading it again
thinking and brooding
over the lines replacing gain with pain.
wish life was a sonnet or a ballad
maybe even an ode close to the heart.

but life was never meant to be
so blissful nothing like the the poets dream,
life is a river it keeps flowing
with pain,joy ,happiness fear,laughter and cries
coming and going like the river's stream.

love and light.
only your,
divz,the last page doodler.

Friday, June 25, 2010


heyya friends, its the season of monsoon here in kolkata,the season of rain,,the season of making paper boats,and sail them through the water logged streets,its the season of the hot beverages enjoyed while we are half wet,its the season of running for a shelter on the streets ......its a season of joy,laughter and merry making.........

rain,its just a scientific phenomenon isn't it?thats what all my friends who are a bit logical think but,i find it speaking,humming,growling to us,talking like a looney bird,talking about its tiring travels,talking of the vast oceans it travelled through,singing of the ever old mountains,to me rain is the way the nature communicates and share its pain its joy its feelings to us..........

come down
o heavenly drizzle,
come down and mizzle,
sprinkle your kindness on the nature
quench its thirst,
for it has been bruised
by the scorching heat
and the cruel sun.

like you have never before,
overwhelm the thoughts,
mesmerize the mind,
fill in with the smell of the wet soil,
which works in me like music,
forcing me to dance,
dance to your beats,
move to your pour.

don't deluge cats and dogs this year,
rain as if to caress and love,
enthrall with your sheer presence,
lavish on my face,
wash away all the tears,
all the pain.
cleanse my soul
purify my heart,
heal me of the ailments
feel me up with the divine grace
torrent as if to tear misery part.

pelt down as hail,
to answer those
who malign the natures power
and proudly abuse its existence
torrent on them
and show them your power
your sheer strength
your mighty existence.......

stream for the peasants,
who wait for you,
worship and offer their trivial belongings,
rain for them to bless them your majestic drops
worth a pearl when dropped in the ocean.
moist their soils,
and their satiable thirst,
help them to bear valued crops
to burn the hearth
of those in need.

rain down o rain
to celebrate divinity
pour down to make us feel your essence.
rain down to bliss humanity,
make us feel your presence.
rain down o rain rain down o rain....................

love and light.
only yours,
divz,the last page doodler.

Monday, June 21, 2010

lets strive towards a cleaner and greener earth

hey fellow bloggers,i hope you all have been doing good.i have been kinda fooling around,after all am a escapist just need a escape rope to run away from sorrow,from pain from tax bills and expenses.ohkay cut the tax bills and expenses my father is there to take care of it,i still fall in the dependent list in the census this year.

now back to the doodles,yes well in order to get some food for thought i went to the nearby park,after all transforming doodles ain't easy.the very first thing which crossed my mind was the filth all around, was it supposed to be that way,no not like this.

we have become somewhat careless,towards the nature,we are discussing the plight of the 1411 left tigers,we are talking bout the ganga action plan,but do we feel enough in our hearts?? have we ever called up the local animal shelter to pick up a stray from the road rather do we know if a local animal shelter exists?

thinking and criticizing the government is really easy,and blaming it upon others is even easier,but aren't we equally responsible aren't we accountable for what is happening around us,when we can cut down a forest strip to build houses then we can even plant trees,and cutting requires more hands than planting.

taking a stand is all we need to do,get together,talk about it on social networks,on website,provide links,support causes,join marches,do peace protests,take up initiatives to clean up the environment,its we who can bring a change,all we need to do is believe in ourselves and take a stand.

you people can post me for any such initiatives,and i wont fall back from supporting such cause,i will do my best to promote and help personally for the betterment of our mother earth.

here are a few lines dedicated to her.........

i strolled down the park in search of some air,
and all i got was pungent obnoxious smells;
litters and plastics thrown all over-
while the dustbins lay bare.

the trees lined along the streets
in the name of greenery and environment;
a deep coat of dirt spread over them,
while they pray mercy in silence.

i don't see birds nor the squirrels around,
as if the tree is a barren womb,
it looks like a harlot for human needs,
abused for her use and then fell down.

is rape a crime?
then we all are rapists
for we smear and malign the earth's chastity belts
its incest,but as if we care
after all we need to produce more,
to offer for production and for sale.

it is easy to cover the nose and walk,
or just turn the face around
even easier to blame the government
while we keep dumping wastes all around.

try to hear when the nature sings,
hear the songs of the birds around,
they plead and pray for mercy and care
for they are feeble and and not so sound.

when will we take a stand?
when even crows will become extinct?
or even better when trees wont be there,
not enough to suffise our growing needs.

lord had vested some power in us,
not to be dictators but to be mutual beings,
symbiosis is the law of nature,
the reason for us to exist.

when nature gives us everything,
food water and even shelter
cant we be a bit kind to it.
is there nothing we could do to help her?

love and light
only yours,
divz,the last page doodler.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

happy father's day.

today is really an awesome day,the day which is worth more than anything in my life,worth more than any achievement of my life,today is the 20th of june though nothing special in the calender,but its very special for me,its father's day.

father,the word is very precious to me,very close to my heart.i have literally seen the world through his eyes,learnt through his experiences,lived through his dreams.i don't no if i am worth him, for he is one selfless being sacrificing his health,his needs and priorities for two of his children...well actually three include my dog too.

i think it is time i must introduce my father to you,keeping his name anonymous,i would like to talk about his life,his childhood,his struggles,his achievements everything i know about so far......

my father was the youngest in his family,born after three sons six daughters and 8 miscarriages to my grandmother,to one of the most respected and prosperous families of north kolkata,i don't know if god has scripted his fate with some good intentions in mind,when he was 9 his father died,it was the beginning of the end for what is called family to him,he went to st. thomas for his schooling,and after his father died he continued going to that fancy school.

after grandfather died,my father's elder brother he had some intentions in his mind,wealth and respect don't come easy and very seldom they come together,at times you have to choose between them,and his brother thought of staking respect and his responsibilities for the sake of wealth,few years after his fathers death,he thought of outcasting the family,and it didn't pain him to do that,he threw out his mother his brothers his sisters all from the home.

it was the end of dreams for my father,he was made to see harsh reality,to face it to be beaten and bruised by fate,ready to see the world.

he continued schooling to the same school with the help of some help by one of his friend's father,but only outcasting was not in the mind of the elder brother,he planned to get him removed from his path,he was so blind in the lust for wealth that he thought that when he will grow up he might want a share so he sent people to beat him up.three men mercilessly beat my father with rods and bamboo sticks and threw him in a ditch,he lay there for nearly two days,he didn't knew of the family he didn't knew of anything else.

his education of alphabets was over,now began his education of the treachery of the hardships of life began,he worked as a bearing washer the city,and i have no shame in sharing this with you guys because m proud my father as he is a self made man,my cinderella man.

he earned some money went to allahabad if you are aware there is this company named TCS there,he worked at an daily wage of rs. 5 there and there he completed his elementary education in the night school,meant for the workers there,think of a 15 year old boy with no house to stay on,no one known to depend on he lived he survived he met challenges,he earned whatever he could and earned enough to open up a wool business on the streets of varanasi, varanasi so far i know has been the place he cherishes the most,he made friends here,he learnt to see dreams again.

the wool business served profitable and he had saved enough to start on a bike shop,where he would bring old bikes repair them,and sell them at a profit,years passed on he became 20,the family still served to be a place whose attachment lingered on in his memories,and this desire took him back where he belonged,he sold the shop for some 1 lakh rupees and came back home to kolkata.

he saw the family,he saw the elder brother,found his mother at the family temple,saw that life in kolkata was prosperous for all.the mother wanted to give him a share of the assets,a share of the property,but my father i am proud to say wasnt money hungry,he said give it to the elder brother for he has no son i will serve him as his son and be with him till his death.

were those of tears of repentance on the part of the elder brother or was it more hunger for money time would tell,father used his business skills to put up a business of construction materials and the bamboo card wagons common in burrabaazar area of kolkata,the business prospered it was the time of his life,he was soaring high touching the skies,doing good and was married to a beautiful lady,life served him what he deserved he was living a dream in the meantime his first child was born,thats me.what else does man wants a family,a good business a happy life,you know sometimes even gods are envious of man's prosperity and peace.when the elder brother saw the prospering business he thought that my father has started taking control some day even he will outcast him,he made a decision he took everything my father had,and threw him out of the house again,my father came out with no money,no clothes a one year child and a pregnant wife very soon to bore him his second son.

so far i remember myself where i grew up was nothing like kolkata neither i knew we belong to kolkata,all i saw was a village where seldom a car would come and i would be so happy to see it for never in my life i saw a car,i would see the fruits and tell father to buy me one,and he would tell me its rotten and today i realize how rotten they were,my father with the help of a government grant had started a aluminium utensils factory in raunapaar in uttar pradesh,don't try googling it,will be a .5 dot on the map.i studied in a primary school where i would sit on the ground,the teachers would come and we would talk in sanskrit,my fee was somewaht 15 ruppes and the admission fee was 60 rupees so far i remember.

my father had treasures of self esteem,hard work and contentment he never got carried away,i never know why didn't he take legal actions against his brother,and to my surprise i was never ever told about what have this man done to our family till he was alive i got to know this after the elder brother died,rather i was told that whenever i must see the elder brother i must go and touch his feet and give him a kiss on the cheek for it was customary.the elder brother used to call me diddu,thats the only thing i have got from him in my life so far.

the elder brother played foul again and father left the aluminium factory he had never given money any importance he always said whatever my brother wanted i have given him,he has not forced me to give these things to him,nor have i thought of not giving.

we moved to a rented house,a bit far away my bus fare used to be 50 paise sometimes the conductors were even kind enough to not take it.i had spent tough days with my father and i cherish them as fond memories,i remember this night clearly when we did not have any vegetables to cook at home the whole family sat down to eat chapati with salt,i and father smiled he never made me feel if something was wrong he had this awesome smile,though he never smiles too often,but it was magnetic it was charming.

my mother,though i didn't talk too much bout her here,because i didnt wanted her to overshadow pa's life his she played a major role here,she forced him to go back to kolkata again,he never thought of coming back,but ma forced him to....

it was a yet new beginning,for me and for pa,you might be wondering where did the other child go,well he didn't even knew in his childhood that pa was his father and ma his mother.he used to call ma sister and pa brother in law.he was brought up at my maternal grand parents home.

kolkata has always been merciful,personally i love the place more than anything else,it gave my father a base to stand again from a employed 7000 rupees employee he was there making thousands,all because he always trusted himself always have been honest and truthful.

he lost his mother in 2003 and again he was not hesitant in giving up some crucial business hours to take care of the family temple which was there since 1892,he lost his wife in 2005,the woman who has been a guide,a friend and the closest relative to bank upon had left him,making him miserable and helpless.

after mother's demise i have seen a completely changed him,he talks less,smiles less, always broody always thinking something,the only thing which make him relax are my dog and jagjit singh ghazals,thats it. though he always loved driving but these days he has stopped doing much of that too.

i could go on talking about him,his struggle his achievements but not this way,very soon you will read about him and others i promise that...

my father has been a common man throughout his life who always had uncommon abilities,and i haven't done enough to make him realize how much i love him,i just want to tell him i love him so much but i am too grown up now,but still i don't miss the occasional pecks.

i just wish that he stays safe and healthy forever,for he means the world to me,and even as i write this he would be somewhere in the market buying kiwi,cherry and grapefruits for me,he knows i love them.

i don't want to put up a poem today so my apologies.....

love and light
only yours
divz,the last page doodler.

love just walked away

hey, i have been doodling cupids off late,a lot of cupids but not the ones we usually draw.i am in a mess,a complete mess these days,i don't know what am i doing,but i guess it is right.

there was this girl,we are wonderful superbuddies,we have a world of our own,and yes i was in love with her,but i don't feel the same anymore, i don't know why i don't feel the affection the care.she was the one with whom i shared the most,but now i don't feel like talking to her part cause of the way she has been with me,partly its my nature.i don't think if i am ready. i don't know but this is happening for the first time,i want to talk to her but i really cant,something has taken toll and i don't know what next........

i guess freddie mercury was right when he wrote the song too much love will kill you,
anyways hope god will show a way,here is my newest poem for you guys........ just walked away....

the song has been playing for a while now,
the rain has stopped,
but it has left wet patches on the road,
i can see through the window but the look is hazed,
i realize i have tears in my eyes
i am feeling tired and trying to sleep,
but the gaze is still fixed on the other side of the road,

memories flash in like a raving tide,
taking me in and pulling me away,
i don't want to resist the flow,
but i fear of drowning,
i can swim out of oceans,
but will drown in your memory lake.

lot of complains you had back then,
i am selfish i cant see your pain,
i love my music more than you,
i only have time for my dog and am lost in books,
i am heartless,obstinate and what not,
cruel in intentions and wearing an ambiguous mask.

accuse me, allege me,but even you knew in your heart
it was not meant to be,
it was not meant to last.
i guess it was over,even before we thought,
and it is only the impressions that seem to last.

time has passed on,since that happened,
i don't judge myself on it,
nor i feel the pain.
its just that when i read a book,or hear the music play,
i realize we were doing good until love just walked away...............

love and light
only yours
divz,the last page doodler.

Friday, June 18, 2010

love will find a way

doodles,have spoken again this time not in sentences but in rhymes, i call it

love will find a way..............

when the first time i kissed you,
lip to lip
soul to soul,
the emotions melt,
you never knew how i felt,
but you smiled and said i love you.

for you they were just some words
but they meant the whole world to me,
there was no one i thought about,
for i knew you were mine and i were thee.

every time i saw you,
i thought i wanted to live long,
your face as the only thing to see
and your voice the only sound.

the way you played with my hairs,
tempted me to take you in my arms,
to kiss and peck and fondle with you,
to make up with you when no one was around.

do you remember the day?
when we lost each other in the subway crowd..
don't ask me baby how i felt,
everything around seemed to drown,
i panicked like i had never before,
tears hurried onto my cheeks,
i desperately looked for you
with watery eyes and trembling knees.

then there was this day,
when we walked down the street,
you saw this guy,
who looked as if he was a greek god,
you chirped around,as if a lost treasure found
while you left my hand to grab him hard.

did you ever see the trust i had??
when you would say i love you too.
i knew you were not being honest,
for your eyes spoke more than you.

though it did pain my heart,
but i was relieved when you said he is just a friend,
and then suddenly one day you said he and i are dating again....

dating again??
what did it mean..i was preplexed i fumbled for words,
and you said as if nothing has happened
he is my childhood crush.

where was the trust,where was the love,
where was the faith every hope i had was lost??
the kiss,the moments,floated about and disappeared
like a tree in the winter frost.

now you are gone,
love has left,
but still there is hope,
there will be day when you will come,
and tears would mend the broken hearts.

love and light,
only yours,
divz,the last page doodler.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

the serene pain

when was the last time you felt a pain?
your lover ditched you? some one very close did hurt you?lost some one very close?
ah i am really talking bout painful sorry didn't mean to remind you of those experiences........

actually last night i was going through my personal ain't like a diary,i had this habit of marking days when i cried or something wrong happened......and what i found there were quite a few marks. a sudden thought crossed my mind have i been really happy the days i haven't marked.i think i knew the answer.

pain to me is a way of discovering yourself,the way to know one better.its when in pain we realize the worth of the ones near to us close to us,pain is physical and intangible both but yes the feeling is mutual and from the heart.pain is a process of cleansing of the soul to make it pure,to devoid us of things which bother us.

the years 2007,2008,and 2009 they have been very important 2007 the year of questions,2008 the year of seeking,and 2009 the year of answers.strange are the ways of life and its creator,he has his own way of teaching people,and helping them evolve in thought and action.

there was one such night in 2007 it was the 28th of december, the new year was quite near but as if i cared,i was at the peak of my growing pain,arrogance,attitude,aggression,they had become an integral part,life without them seemed so weak,so yes i was lying on my bed thinking of verses for my poem 'screams' but i wasn't able too,my friends have stopped talking to me,rather i had not been recieving phones or talking to them throughout the year,therefore naturally the frequency of the calls had decreased,i was thinking of all these things,but couldn't help it,i was in excruciating pain,i just wanted to break free, there was a lot to see through,a lot to justify,a lot to reason,a lot to explain but, no noe was ready to hear,no one was there to understand.

that didn't help me i wanted my voice to be heard,but people were not interested,i don't blame them i have been like that,i didn't like sharing so much,but that was a time i really wanted to talk to someone who would identify with my pain,my feelings,my sorrow.

i don't know what happened that night,i started crying,it wasn't like howling and shouting,it was a silent expressionless cry,the tears rolled down periodically dried down there and started again,that was the day i realized that this pain i am suffering from this agony i am going through,is a healer in itself.hope is a wonderful thing,and pain helps strengthen itt,and it transforms this hope into faith,it gives you the strength to trust, it makes you believe in yourself,it tells you irrespective of how many times you fall you can stand up again and walk the very same road you fell on.

i remember my mother used to tell me "good timber does not grows with ease,the stronger the winds the stronger the trees."

and yes pain helps me believe that tomorrow would be better day,it helps me look at the darkest of night and gives me the strength to say on its face i am not afraid of you, i have seen and suffered more what can you do...for i know that even if the sky is stormy and cloudy the sun will surely rise from the east,and yes i agree it wont't be as bright as ever but it will be illuminating enough to enable me to welcome the new day.

here is a poem dedicated to pain................

oh pain,
you have been the closest i have had,
the one who has seen and felt my heart..
when people never came close to me,
while sympathy scorned me and stayed afar.

when the world seemed to revolve so fast,
and i stood stationed as if motionless,
i thought it would eternally last,
there was neither peace,nor solace.

i shed a thousand tears you know,
which no one wiped away from my cheeks.
sometimes they dried up there,
sometimes they dropped on my feet.

like a foster mother,you took care,
when my existance was in doubt,
you taught me life ain't what we dream,
life is what we live about.

you gave me vision to look around,
when i closed my eyes for the fear of dark,
you gave me strength to walk down,
when i fell knowing i won't stand so fast.

like the blazing fire which purifies a piece of metal,
making it precious and known as gold,
just the way you have been mentoring me,
cleansing me and making me bold.

oh agony,
you have taught me worthy lessons,
i hold you dear,dearer than happiness or joy,
for you give me faith that there will be a day,
when its shine wont be be lost in the dark.............

love and light,
only yours
divz,the last page doodler

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

my first crush....

hey friends, i know my transformed doodles are dark,but what to do such is life a shades of dark and light.

but today i am in a great mood to talk about something special, love...yes don't raise brows it is me and yes i am writing on love. love ain't the feeling great,and if its your first love its even better.i know most of you would be smiling while reading it,thinking of your first crush,when you looked at each other thinking the other wont't notice and the sudden meet of eyes,a shy smile cracking up on the cheeks.the sudden increase in listening to ELTON JOHN'S
love songs,that sudden increasing phone bill,that smiling for no reason.........ah mesmerizing thoughts aren't they??

yeah love is always this great.i don't know why but i don't think if i really know what is love,neither do i think anyone else does.....its difficult to be put into words ain't it?? after all its such an abstract feeling.

i think i have my moments of love or might be crush because i really ain't sure bout love,there was this girl, i don't intend to name her here.....but yeah lets give her a name say summer....ok here was this gal summer,i don't know but she was just so attractive,i was completely drawn towards her,it was in standard 5th i first saw her,
she had this looks of a deer fawn,cute charming and simply beautiful thats how gals are meant to be at that age,i was just so mad about her,it was a complete stupidity on my part but i couldn't stop thinking bout her,

time passed on we became great friends,love was in the air,and everywhere around.......i would rush back home and give her a phone call asking her about assignments and homeworks,though i would have it all written....i don,t know why but i thought winking was a part of expressing love so i would wink at her in between classes and she would blush and give me a smile,simply enchanting.

i wouldn't take out my pencil from the bag and ask it from her,and then she would give it without any hesitation i would peck on her cheeks saying thank you you saved me.time passed on.....we grew up, some things aren't meant the way they should be,we moved on.

i don't know how many times i have smiled writing this for you guys,but still that was the most wonderful time of my life.i know many of us have our first crushes and stuff,sometimes they don't work out well,so what that ain't no big deal life throws in this moments expectedly so that we could live them and treasure them throughout our life,there is no point thinking why you broke up, or what were the reasons,just think of the wonderful times you have spent with those people,think how they brought smile on your faces,and when their thoughts seem to make you weak,take a deep breath and say it ain't that i don't need you..but i am doing well otherwise......cheerio

and yes P.S. the writer is a complete novice in love and its whereabouts so no cross questioning please.enjoy this poem of mine dedicated to all our first loves,crushes,and anyone who made us smile.

you changed my doodles from dark to bright,
you made me laugh at the silliest things,
the elusiveness of your eyes,
changed the very reason of my being.

the world revolved but i stood,
while your thoughts kept crossing my mind..
you took me captive i don't know how,
but this was sure to last for some time.

i always thought of asking you-
do you see the mirror some time..
you would smile and chuckle and pull my cheeks,
that touch,oh girl struck symphony so fine.

and that evening i well remember,
the rain,you and your untied hair,
your crimson lips your warm breath..
i wish time had stood still there.

i knew an illusion i was living,
but i cherished every moment i had,
what happened was destined to be......
but it was absolutely fair.

we reached down a two way road,
were never meant to walk the same,
i just hoped i could hug you one last time,
and kiss you like i never had.

i don't know if that was love or not,
or a craze,a crush,or a pre-occupation,
before you came i was dead,
you gave me an incarnation.

baby,love is something i would never understand,
for i ain't really made for this..
i hope you do well in your walk of life,
and if you can forgive me,please.

love and light...
only yours,
divz, the last page doodler

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

the angel within.......

hey,i was busy doodling once again,and then i suddenly thought of jotting another thought which has just struck my mind.i don't know how many of you believe in angels..bu i surely do.angel or seraph or a heavenly messenger,thats what you read in books, a fairy with a wand in hands,coming to grant all our childhood dreams,and as that very child begins to grow up, he discards a santa claus,he laughs on hearing about a tooth fairy,and i was no different,such is life,when you are a child when you are innocent the world seems so beautiful,so mystical, as if the castle of the high king who fought the dragon for 18 days and night,when the sun was taken captive......childish thoughts aren't they??? you have to excuse me,my poetic nature kinda takes me on a high.

so where was i? ah yes..angels,when we grow up we say there is nothing like angels these are all myths all faux,not even a bit of truth into it.but if you ask me i say there is one for all of us.our own personal angel,the only difference is it is sleeping,covering itself in its feathers deep down somewhere in our heart,you need to awaken it,summon it for its needed.and no joking i summoned mine and it changed my life.

it was the december of 2007,kolkata is generally never that cold, but it was not the same story that day, i had put on the room heater and was sitting near it looking for some warmth,and was going through a brainstorm.i had hurt pa once again,i didn't mean to but i couldn't help it,ma's demise had brought this sudden change in me i became a heartless,ruthless,unsymapathetic man.i would like to confess i have always loved pa more than ma,but after her loss i kinda became somewhat distant with pa,though never meant it purposely,honestly.

i wasnt feeling too good,he had told me if i continue the same way he would send me to a boarding.i was feeling very angry,anger had become my shield to hide my weakness those days,whenever i felt vulnerable i became angry,and it kept people at a distance,something i wanted to happen,but that didn't include pa but,what you try becomes a habit,and habit is just it dosen't practices biasness.

i couldn't control my emotions.i broke up,i started crying,it was two years since i last cried,and that washed away all the remorse.i realised how wrong i was,i realised how callous i had become.

i called up pa that very moment asking him to come home and asking for forgiveness.he cried on the other side of the phone saying son its was when my angel awoke,granting me peace and solace making me a better human.

these angels or as i call them P.A.(personal angels)are what we all need today,when we have ego,self respect,differences cropping up amongst
friends,relatives,colleagues.all we need to do is take a time out with our angels,talk to them about your day,about the relations you hold precious,about the friends you treasure,about the smiles you care.confess to it,hold on to it and i bet it will show you the light of the day.

here is a poem i wrote that night..........

it was dark and damp all around
seemed nothing like anymore home to me..
a cave a dungeon of the beastly despair,
feasting on my hope and not let me be.

i knew i ain't no gladiator,
i had no relation with heroic deeds..
all i needed was a saviour,
a saviour in times of my need.

i screamed and shouted to call for help,
but no one could hear the echoing shout,
the sound would return and remind me,
there is no one,no god, no nazarene around

i knew of nothing and was aghast
no escape route,no miracle to pull me out,
i took the moment to laugh a sarcastic laugh
as i could hear godmen preaching god and his whereabouts...

the night darkened,the fear roused
i sat grappled in miserable chains,
there was no hope no joy around
nor any cure for my growing pain.

i could do nothing so i sat down to cry,
for crying relieved the heart i had,
a clamorous cry like never before,
sobbing while my knees sheltered my head.

to my surprise i saw a while light
a beacon of purity,peace and solace,
it wasn't distant but within me,
glowing as if it herad my silent prayer.

i was preplexed for what it was?
the sign of death or an illusion
moment of pain and agony walked past me,
as if they were never in the region.

i gathered strength and questioned the light..
i saw her spreading and fluttering white wings
in white robes with a silent smile
she said "i am your angel within."

i hope to keep writing for it really gives me peace.
until next time,love and light.
divz,the last page doodler.

Monday, June 14, 2010

strange fears...

its that time of the year again which i dont like,there is no in-built mechanism coz of which i hate it,but there is something which gives me a weird feeling bout it, a feeling of misery,darkness,gloom,and an imagery of those flithy lanes from the memory which i prefer not walking again.

i had just woke up at 7 in the evening after a short afternoon nap and the first thing which i noticed was the sullen grey skies.its not that i hate rain,i kinda like it and there is hardly an oppurtunity when i miss getting drenched into it.but there is ought to be something that make me feel so uneasy.

i dont know why or since when i have started associating these grey water vapour masses with gloom and lugubriousness,i just remember that one such day probably 11 years ago i just dont know what happened i woke up from my afternoon sleep saw this greyish darkness all around,but there was something missing in that room, i looked all around the house,couldnt find that familiar face,i was teary i went out of the house,now we had this mediocre size typical indian garden at the back of our house,i thought she might be there i rushed out,saw her picking up clothes from the clothesline,i ran and threw my arms around her and began to cry.i dont know wat happened but for a moment i felt i had lost ma.

six years later ma left me and moved on,making my father a widower and me a motherless child.the very reason for the fear was gone.

but the grey skies kept coming monsoon after monsoon,year after year, the intensity of the fear though has now become somewhat supple,but still i dont know why whenever i wake up from my sleep on such an evening i fear that if i go into the other room or in the backyard i wont find ma.........

here is this poem dedicated to her presence and absence

in the empty nights when the moon moves through the sky,
i see your face peeping at me from beside him,
as if smiling on me asking not to miss nor to cry,
i cant help it but i surely will try

the grey clouds were gone and they came back again
but you are gone never to return,leaving me in misery and in pain.
i wish i could have told you one last time,
that i love you so much oh mother of mine.

i hope from your heavenly lawns you see me everyday,
struggling and falling time to time with no strength to rise again..
there is darkness all around dats all i can see
and your absence has made pa feeble and weak,

he does not have the strength to pick me up and teach me to walk again
for he has lost more than he could have gained.

in your presence there would had been no grim no despair
mother dear,i wish you had always been there...............

but yes every cloud has a silver lining...and i hope i find it soon on one such evening behind one such dark cloud.....till then keep transforming doodles into words.

take care
love and light
divz,the last page doodler..

Sunday, June 13, 2010

a new beginning with words....

sometimes things just walk in your life and you just dont realize their tip toed entrance,they come and change our lives so quickly that when we stand at a point and think about what just happened,it really brings a sarcastic smile on our face telling us we knew what it was all about, we knew it was going to happen still we did not do anything we just let it happen, i dont know what you all call it i call it destiny.

destiny is a powerful word some say its you who builds your destiny,while some say you are the part of a pre-determined plan you cannot change the course of that plan,in other words you cannot change destiny.well the debate betwwen destiny the 'already decided' and 'i will decide' debate will continue on.....but yes i am allowing a new change in my life no more virtual farming no more cheesy gossip i am on a new start...a beginning with words.

nevertheless thanx to my friend swayam who urged me to write a blog,and yes special thanx to my friend manisha and chandrama who have always wanted me to share my poems and my 'doodles' with others here i am....